Look, I know you're in love. That's great. Love is wonderful. But, I've got news for you: Love doesn't mean you have to get married.

Sure, love should be part of a good marriage. But what kind of love? "Love" is such a mixed up, bizarre, nebulous term that it's hardly a good place to start a marriage. Love means so many different things to different people, in different situations. Do you actually have the kind of "love" that good marriages are made of?

ACTIVITY #1: Ask yourself, and your partner, what exactly you mean by "love."

Many people have a hard time pinning down exactly what love means to them, so try, "Why do you want to marry me?" Or "Why do I want to marry him/her?" Move past generic reason #1 -- "Because I love them" -- and keep going.

When I asked my first husband (after getting married -- which was already way too late for this exercise to be effective) why he married me, he said, "So you wouldn't be able to leave me." Huh? Not that there's necessarily any right or wrong answer to this question, but you should know the answer, and what it means. For him, it boiled down to control and insecurity issues.

Love, and marriage, are tied to a lot of psychological baggage, and often the relationships we enter into are extensions of our childhood/family/previous relationship dramas. The reasons why a person loves you (or why you love them), or wants to marry you, reveals a lot about what they expect out of the relationship, out of you -- and out of life. And, unfortunately, reveals, in many cases, psychological problems and unresolved issues (which, in many cases, have nothing to do with you... but if you get married, they will suddenly have EVERYTHING to do with you!).

No matter how uncomfortable it is, dig deep. Think about it. Forget the "love" thing, and get down into your other reasons. Are you trying to make the parents happy? Trying to make the parents angry? Do you think getting married will get you out of another bad situation -- out of the dorms, out of the barracks, out of your parents' house, out of an already existing bad marriage or relationship? Do you think being married will "make you happy"? It won't, unless you're happy, already, without it.

Do you think that you need this person to marry you so that you'll feel important? To make your partner "prove" how much they love you? To "keep up" with all of your friends who are already married? Because you feel guilty about having pre-marital sex? Because you've lived together for five years and everyone else keeps asking, "When"? Do you want the idyllic, peaceful life your parents seemed to have? Are you trying to avoid the lonely, angry, single-parent life your parents seemed to have?

Oh, and then here's another big mistake people make: "I'll never find anyone who will love me as much as she (or he) does, so I should marry her (or him). I'll grow to love them eventually." Real nice. Does your partner know they're cold spaghetti? "It's all I've got in the fridge, so I guess I'll eat it. I'll develop a taste for it eventually." How mean! If you don't reciprocate your partner's feelings, do them a favor and let them find someone who does!

And don't be guilted into staying, dammit! Ask your partner, "Do you really want to spend your life with someone who's only staying with you out of pity, and not because they think you're a great person?"

"When you are in love, it means that the person you love is of great personal, selfish importance to you and to your life. If you were selfless, it would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person's need of you. I don't have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind." -- Ayn Rand, from her interview in Playboy

Unfortunately, there are many people who do indeed seem to want love just like that, apparently, because they keep trying to guilt their partner into staying. To these people I say STOP IT! GO GET COUNSELLING!

ACTIVITY #2: What do you really want out of life?

This is a big one. And one which many couples take for granted. After all, you both like Metallica, Wendy's french fries and "Star Wars," so you must both want 4 sex sessions a week, 3 children, a house in the suburbs with a perfect lawn, and 2 incomes, right?

WRONG.

Ask yourself, and your partner: Do you want children? If yes, then when? (For more on Having Children, see my upcoming essay). Are there places you want to travel to? A financial goal you want to reach? A certain kind of car you want to drive? What is your "dream home"? What extracurricular activities do you want in your life (boat, computer, vacation home, golf, a big screen TV, political party activities, etc.)?

You'd think that if the two of you have come this far and are talking marriage, that you've already discussed everything from favorite dish soap, to child-rearing philosophies, to whether the toilet paper roll goes on with the paper over the top or around the back. But -- if talk shows, advice columnists and the many, weary phone conversations I've had with family and friends are any indication -- you probably haven't.

So, project 10 years into the future and imagine what you see The Married Couple doing. Climbing Mount Everest, or warming their feet by the hearthfire and reading a good book? Will they be finishing a PhD, or buying clothes? Having Starbucks coffee everyday, or socking away money for a child's college fund? Investing in the stock market or in beanie babies? Going to church or going to tattoo conventions (or both)?

Be honest with yourself, and then be honest with your partner. If all you want is the latest computer game and a good beer, you'd better tell her, now. She may think you're going to go get a six-figure job, buy her chocolates every Valentine's Day from the wedding day until you die, and enjoy the Martha Stewart plans she already has for your apartment. It may seem like no big deal, now, but you'll be in for a lot of fights and nagging and stress, every day until you're ordered to pay alimony.

And, you know, if all you DO want out of life is a computer and a beer, there's nothing wrong with that. No matter what she says. You're not the one with a problem, she is. Her problem is that she has a certain set of expectations, and didn't shop around to find the right Ken for her Barbie Dreamhouse. Harsh? Well, the same could be said for you. If you're a couch potato, find a spudette and quite wasting Barbie's time for the sake of your ego.

"But I love him/her." Again, I say, love doesn't mean you have to get married. Trust me on this one.

And, remember, it's about more than just Material Things, too. Which is a good place to discuss...

ACTIVITY #3: How much sex, physical and emotional stuff, do you need?

I'm not talking about pre-marital sex. Whether you have or you haven't yet, it's not an indicator of post-marital sex. Did you hear that? "NOT AN INDICATOR." I've known many a Don Juan who turned into a Bob Blob after marriage because he "didn't have to impress her, anymore." Or a Sex Kitten who begins to see it as "part of the job" once she's got the ring on her finger.

But it's a good idea to have some idea of the level of intimacy that you are comfortable with. And that's not just about sex. Do you like holding hands? Hugging? Smootching? Snuggling? Are you a "physical" person, or do you like your space? Have you got some "unusual" turn-ons that you'd like to try in the bedroom, (or hope they continue once you're married)? Does your partner? Are you letting your partner think s/he is all that and a bag of chips in bed, and can't wait until you're married so you can put brakes on the sex life?

Sex and money are two of the biggest issues that couples argue about (or silently stew over, leading to years of passive aggressive resentments and a miserable existence).

But, like I said, it's not just about sex. A partner (male or female) who views hugging, touching, hand-holding, etc., as indicators of love, is going to feel starved, unappreciated and alone with someone who's not "touchy feely." A partner who wants their space and feels smothered or bothered by constant "attention" will get resentful, or even push their spouse away... maybe into someone else's arms.

Not that I'm trying to assign blame. "Is it her fault for cheating, or his fault for ignoring her all the time?" I really don't want to go there. I'm writing this to try and keep you from having to go there. I'm just pointing out that different people have different emotional/psychological needs, and if you are going to marry someone, you should be willing and wanting to meet at least some (preferably most) of your partner's - and they should be game for meeting yours. And this should be explicitly discussed, not assumed.

The important thing is to figure out what your needs really are, figure out what your potential mate's needs really are, and then figure out if you can both live with that, and if compromise is possible. Don't take it personally. It is not your "challenge" to "light her fire" or "get him turned on." And it doesn't make you "less of a man" or a "cold fish" if you aren't undressing as often as your partner thinks you should. But be honest. Don't pretend, don't ignore and hope it will go away, don't expect him/her or yourself to change. It won't happen.

ACTIVITY #4: What are the deal breakers?

Abuse is an obvious one. Under NO circumstances should anyone, male or female, be subjected to abuse. But I'm not trying to cover the vast array of dangerously unhealthy and extreme relationships, here. I'm talking more of your basic, personal "bottom line" kinds of things, like:

Is it important to you to go back to college? Do you expect absolute monogamy? Do you really want children? Do you really NOT want children? Do you hate cats/dogs/snakes? You can't stand living in a big city? You're a vegetarian? You're a sex fiend? You were raised by chickens and don't want any egg cartons in the house?

Seriously, though, I'm talking about the things that are so important to you that you'd think about getting divorced if they happened (or didn't happen) after the two of you wed. It's important to know these, and be honest about them, NOW.

ACTIVITY #5: What do you expect from marriage?

As unromantic as it sounds, all relationships are bargains. Two people are making an exchange. Yes, there is the self-less kind of love that mothers have for children and puppies have for bad owners, but that's not the love you've got going on here (sorry).

Whether you realize it or not, whether you like it or not, relationships are exchanges. And, in a marriage, there's a fairly strict no-refund policy, so know what you're bargaining for, and what you're bargaining with, before you say, "I do."

Imagine coming to a table to make a trade. Both parties have big, white boxes. One box is marked "porshe" and the other is marked "really good cake." You agree to swap. But this swap is eternal. Yes, eternal. For even divorce doesn't end things (think: child support, alimony, visitation, credit reports, debts, emotional baggage, psycho ex, etc.).

You like the way the person across the table looks. They're cute. You assume their box is marked correctly. You agree to swap. After all, you really want some good cake. And another chance at good cake may never come along (just ignore that long line of folks off to the right with all the cake boxes).

So you swap. And they open your box. And find out that it's not a porshe, it's a mercedes (OK, so you mislabeled your box a little). Well, ok, they say they'll live with that. Fine.

But the box marked "really good cake" actually contains a wet, steaming turd. Can you live with that? OOPS, too late! You can put all the chocolate frosting you want on it, but it's still a turd.

This is the major problem I see with so many relationships -- the "deal" changes and the participants aren't getting what they bargained for. Or the participants weren't being honest - with themselves and/or with their spouses - up front.

The thing is, that doesn't necessarily mean the marriage should end -- though it often does. Or, at least, goes through a long, horrendous, emotionally damaging period for all involved (including children). Two mature people who aren't being ruled by their hot buttons can work out compromises and find ways to help each other reach their shared and independent goals.

However, there seem to be so few mature people getting together out there. Either both are immersed in unresolved issues, or one is willing to work at it and the other isn't.

Yes, it is possible, and preferable, to have a life without stupid fights, without yelling, without pain and long silences, without feeling short-changed or used or ignored or hurt. But, both of you have to want it that way. If you don't, right now, today, then you're not ready to get married.

Home should be a safe place, where you can be yourself, and your marriage should be a shelter from the problems of the world - not a problem, itself.

ACTIVITY #6: Go on a drive.

Marriage is a car with two steering wheels and two sets of brakes. If you don't cooperate, you're not going to get anywhere. You've got to both want to be going in the same direction. You've got to take care of the vehicle, put something into it, or it will leave you stranded.

It's entirely possible that you are a mature, self-actualized individual to whom none of this essay applies. It is also entirely possible that you have, indeed, found your soulmate and have the courage, passion, commitment and patience to steer the marriage through both calm and stormy seas. If this is the case, that's wonderful!! Best wishes, and enjoy the wedding.

But, if there are things in this essay that make you uncomfortable, or leave you with a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, or keep you up at night, well, maybe you need to postpone the "big event." Believe me, just because your dad already paid for the dress, or the invitations already went out, or you think she'll leave you if you don't meet her at the altar NOW -- none of these are good reasons to get married.